A Study of Happiness, Or Lack Thereof
by Kila9Nishika
Summary: What is happiness?  Harry ponders happiness, or lack thereof.  Canon compliant until OOTP.  Faint Slash warning.  probably K , but T for safety.


**Disclaimer:** As I am a simple person who does not own tons and tons of money, I must admit to being a plain American girl, and not JK Rowling. Therefore, I do not own Harry Potter and the connected involved characters. Oh, well...

**Canon until post-Ootp. Then my imagination takes over.**

***Faint, faint slash. Nothing terribly important to the storyline, though.***

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**Of Happiness, or Lack Thereof**

What is happiness?

That is a question that is often pondered by many a person, generally whilst amidst a somewhat tedious or painful moment. However, for one Harry Potter, it was a question that had begun to take over his mind.

What is happiness?

As a child, Harry watched many an adult strive to achieve happiness, and decided that happiness was normality. After all, why else would the Dursleys yearn for it so much?

But the older he grew, the more confused he became. At school and in many a public place, Harry saw normality for what it was, and realized something. Normal doesn't exist. The Dursleys were striving for the impossible.

Then, Harry went to Hogwarts. Perhaps, he thought, I will find happiness at Hogwarts. So, he searched.

Throughout his first year, Harry was startled to recognize just how _many_ people went through life happily. Or, at least, somewhat happy.

So, for the first few years that Harry was at Hogwarts, he studied the people that he targeted as being _happy_.

Hermione Granger. She was happy because of books, good grades, and friends. Because her parents loved her and sent her nice long letters, because breakfast had sugar-free cereal, because there was a library full of books she had yet to read. Hermione was happy because of structure, because of the rules that so many children chafed at. She was happy because of the sheer thrill of being a _witch_, and having _magic_, as well as being able to study it just as one would study chemistry or history. And, oddly enough, Hermione Granger was happy to argue with Ron Weasley.

Seamus Finnegan. He was happy because of his friend Dean Thomas, because of a good shower, because of delicious food and a nap during History of Magic. He was happy after making fun of the inept Professor Quirrel, happy because of being competent on a broom, happy because he could play cards and eat candy and in general have fun.

Dean Thomas. He was happy because of his friend Seamus Finnegan, because of his pencils and drawing supplies, because of the West Ham Football team. He was happy because of long letters from his parents about the muggle world going on outside of Hogwarts, because of his little sister, because of chocolate cake, and because of simply being _different_ and _special_ and having _magic_.

Ron Weasley. Ron was happy because of food, because of a full plate and a well-played game of chess, because of a loud and noisy snowball fight. He was happy because his brothers were there for him in times of need, because his little sister loved him, because he was HARRY POTTER's friend, and because his parents loved him despite being a bit of a lazy git. He was happy to fight with Hermione Granger, and happy to rant loudly about unfair teachers, and happy just in general being Hermione Granger's polar opposite.

Of the other people Harry saw at Hogwarts, he decided that the Weasley Twins were happy because of family and fun and independence and just being their crazy selves, that Lavender Brown was happy because she was pretty and passing her classes and had Parvati as a friend. Parvati Patil was happy because she was Lavender's friend, because she could gossip about things with Lavender, and because she was different from her twin sister, Padma.

As Harry passed into his third year at Hogwarts, he noticed more and more the things that made people happy, but found himself confused and dissatisfied.

Quidditch made many people happy, such as the Weasleys and Oliver Wood and Cho Chang and Cedric Diggory and what's-his-name the Ravenclaw Quidditch Captain? Davies. Davies or something.

Chocolate made lots of girls happy, and quite a few boys as well. Food in general made boys happy, and good food made them happier.

Structure made some people happier, while chaos appealed to others. A good tune was the mood-lifter for Professor Dumbledore, but Nancy Woollier (Fifth Year Hufflepuff) hated any music.

In fact, studying people's happiness seemed to befuddle Harry more than actually helping. He was beginning to wonder if his quest for happiness was impossible.

The end of third year brought Harry two things – his first experience of true happiness, and his first shot at understanding happiness.

His shot at understanding happened in the Shrieking Shack. It was in that moment when Professor Lupin put everything together, that moment when the tired-looking man realized that Sirius was actually innocent.

When Harry saw it, it hit him like a ten-ton weight. Lupin's eyes widened, and his mouth opened slightly, as if he was thinking furiously and not paying attention to reality. And then – that moment – a breath seemed to be let out, and Harry saw, for the first time, real happiness.

It spread over Lupin's face like light, like some mythical elixir of youth, erasing wrinkles and kindling the perpetually-sad eyes with a fire that was as-yet-unseen. An incandescent smile burst its way over the older man's face, and Lupin strode forward, putting his arms around Sirius Black and hugging him with all of his might.

And in that moment, in that long, long breath, Harry saw happiness.

Somewhere, in the back of his mind, Harry took down a note. _Happiness is friendship?_

Later that night, or rather, the next morning and back into the night, Harry cast his Patronus for the first time, his first real and true Patronus against Dementors, and he created it with happiness. Real happiness, evoked by Sirius Black, and Hermione Granger, and Ron Weasley, and Remus Lupin and –

A home. That was what Harry thought, when he made the Patronus. And so, in the back of his mind, he took down another note. _Happiness is home?_

And then that was shattered, and Harry would not get the chance to restudy it for a while, as Sirius went back on the run. No home for Harry Potter and no home for Sirius Black.

His fourth year brought the Quidditch World Cup. Harry watched the professional Quidditch players, and saw the way they seemed to become one with the air. He wondered, were they happy because they were doing something they loved, or because they were earning money and gaining fame?

Then there was the attack, and Harry wondered if some people were actually _happy_ causing pain for others. But then, there was Voldemort, and Harry supposed that _he_ enjoyed causing pain, so it was possible. But Harry, personally, still didn't quite get it.

The TriWizard Tournament. For the first time, Harry got a glimpse of something that he would _never_ gain any happiness from. Honestly, the deaths or pain of certain people _might_ make Harry happy, (he didn't know, seeing as it was entirely hypothetical,) but fame was something that Harry would never crave. Unfortunately, a good portion of the rest of the world _did_ seem to crave it.

And then, Harry learned something that seemed to answer a great deal of questions. When Harry's name came out of the Cup, he discovered something that made him feel at least _somewhat_ happy. Anonymity and friendship. Two things that, as of Halloween, had been utterly destroyed.

And by Yule, Harry had decided that lack of deadly threats and stressful unneeded events would make his life nicer as well.

And then the year ended, and Cedric Diggory died, and Harry dropped the subject of happiness for a while.

It was, oddly enough, at Grimmauld Place, (a grimmer and more dreary place never existed,) that Harry found his first significant clue into happiness.

It was upon waking late at night, and wandering downstairs into one of the various sitting rooms, that Harry saw a vision of perfect happiness.

Happiness was Sirius and Remus, both asleep, curled up together on the couch, so intertwined that it was impossible to really tell whose legs were whose. Happiness was the expression of utter peace on Remus Lupin's scarred face, was the relaxed smile that tilted Sirius' lips ever-so-slightly upward.

Harry stood in the doorway of that room for a while, just watching them sleep, reveling in the sheer _happiness_ that emanated from the sleeping men. It was only when his eyes began to droop that he went back to bed.

Later that same year, after one particularly long detention, Harry found another expression of happiness, this time in the Gryffindor Common Room.

Sitting on _their_ sofa, in the corner of the dimly lit room, Hermione and Ron had fallen asleep on each other whilst waiting up for Harry. Their hands were clasped; Hermione's head was on Ron's shoulder, while Ron's head rested on top of Hermione's head. Red hair and brown curls mingled while shading relaxed faces.

Standing in the firelight, Harry watched his friends sleep and held down a sob with all of his strength. Here, too, he saw happiness. Although, unlike with Remus and Sirius, here it was more _potential_ happiness. But, still, happiness. Here, though, it was trust that was dominant, as opposed to peace. Trust ruled the features of Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley, as they slept.

Harry watched them, and saw something that wasn't there quite yet. He saw approaching happiness, happiness that would leave him behind. Carefully, in that little chart in the back of his head that currently read_ Happiness is friendship? Happiness is home? Happiness is peace?_ Harry tacked on another possibility. _Happiness is trust?_

Later that week, Harry was understandably confused when Luna Lovegood came up to him. "You're close, you know," she said, but what did that mean? Harry liked Luna, she was different and unique and just glad to be herself, but sometimes he didn't understand her.

But, he did trust her, and when Sirius was dead and the school was at the feast, he let her hold him while he cried.

He found himself feeling oddly empty, the next time he saw Remus, after the train, at Privet Drive. Remus was standing guard, he knew, but seeing the man made something inside of himself crumple. Remus had stared at him for a long moment.

"I… I'm sorry, Harry," he said hoarsely. "I don't… I don't know what to say, what to do…"

Like a flash, it hit Harry. Inspiration, a message from magic, a flash of genius, whatever it was to be called, Harry just suddenly _knew_.

"It's alright," Harry said, blinking back tears. "He… he was your _happy_, wasn't he?"

Remus stood still for a minute, his eyes distant. "Yes," he said. "He was my happy."

For the second time in his life, Harry had someone to hold him as he cried. But this time, he was not only the comforted, but the comforter as well.

The next school year was a year of complete confusion, for Harry. On one hand, he had Ginny, who made him feel upset that she was with someone else. On the other hand, he had Luna, who made him feel content, peaceful, and safe.

Ron and Hermione, after years of fighting, were going out. Harry watched them, feeling slightly pained that the Trio was coming apart, and watched as they looked at each other and were simply _happy_. And so Harry drifted away from them, standing on the corner of everything they did, holding on desperately to his need to find his _happy_.

Out of sheer desperation and loneliness, Harry began to spend time in the library, and soon found himself joined by Luna.

He received a pass into the Restricted Section from McGonagall, and began desperately looking for something, _anything_, to help with his need for happiness.

Luna helped.

By Christmas, he had gotten used to spending most of his free time reading, and he spent almost the entire break in the library of Grimmauld Place.

It was there that he found a curious book about the Veil. So he brought it back to Hogwarts with him, and showed it to Luna.

It was Luna who discovered that it was written in some type of magical language. It was Harry who figured out that it was in mirror-Parseltongue. Between the two of them, they began to slowly, painstakingly, translate the ancient text. When it referred to other books, they searched the Restricted Section until they found the mentioned volumes. Harry was on a mission for happiness.

On Luna's birthday, February 14th, (also Valentine's Day,) that the two of them managed to create some incantation of a sort, and Harry recited it, wand in one hand, Luna's hand in the other.

As soon as Harry spoke the last word, he was flooded with emotion, with feeling, and the last pieces of the puzzle fell into place.

_Ron and Hermione, Remus and Sirius, trust, peace, friendship, home, family…_

_Love._

Harry gasped, and he shivered as he felt magic pouring out of his body, although he hadn't the least idea where to.

He felt the budding love between Ron and Hermione.

He felt the deep and endless love between Remus and Sirius.

He felt the powerful remembered love of Lily and James.

He felt the growing love that was slowly being built – between himself and Luna Lovegood.

His magic stretched out, bridging over some eternal gap that only Harry and Luna could see –

Harry's scar exploded, and blood poured down his face, agony making the teen scream with pain. The Hogwarts library echoed with his cries –

In the Department of Mysteries in the Ministry of Magic, the Veil of Death billowed forward, and turned a blood red for a moment. Then, in what would later be described by the on-duty Unspeakable as a "wave of pure happiness," the Veil exploded outwards, and Sirius Black tumbled out.

Before he could be apprehended, though, he disappeared.

Only to reappear on the floor of Remus Lupin's flat, shocking the living daylights out of the mourning man.

Ten years, five horcruxes, and one Dark Lord later, Harry Potter sat up in bed and smiled he had found happiness.

Happiness was belonging to a family that cared about you.

Happiness was the infinite trust between two best friends.

Happiness was the eternal peace of two true soulmates.

Happiness was friendship.

Happiness was a home.

Happiness was peace.

Happiness was trust.

Happiness was Remus Lupin and Sirius Black, was Ron and Hermione Weasley, was Neville and Ginny Longbottom.

Happiness was Harry and Luna Potter.

Happiness was love.

And Harry was truly happy.

**FIN**

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**AN:** Please Review! I am also here to remind those of you who care, that when The Sky is Falling gets ten reviews, it will get a sequel! Ta~


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